Thursday, 14 June 2018

Long Term Relationship - My Thoughts

Picture it: August 3rd 2012, 10pm. The air is warm, a slight breeze blows on James and I as we hug at the bus stop, the setting couldn't be more romantic. My mum has just sent me 5 texts asking where I am (although I never had a curfew, I think may I overstepped the line), it's night time so the bus is taking forever to come.
 James looks at me and says "You know you're my girlfriend now." Could you get anymore romantic?  I don't think so.
"You. Know. You're. My. Girlfriend. Now..." 
Exactly how I wanted to be asked, couldn't think of anything better. 
Of course in the moment I smiled and responded with "Am I?" I remember having butterflies and thinking finally, he's asked me! That's it, guess I've got a boyfriend now! 

My bus arrived and when I saw my mum she wasn't happy, she "grounded me" I put grounded in quotations because I still had my phone and went out the next day, thanks mum x 
During my short bus journey it sunk in, I'm now in a relationship. I then remembered I was not impressed by the way it happened. I mean, I'm a princess and very romantic, I didn't even get a choice - what if I didn't want to be his girlfriend? What if I just enjoyed his company? How cocky of him to assume I was going to say yes! I quickly sent James a message on BBM (Blackberry messenger) for all those that missed the blackberry stage, saying "Please can you actually ask me out, because technically you didn't." Once we cleared that up the relationship could progress. 

Now, I don't think I'm a relationship guru or anything but being in a relationship for almost 6 years, the question I'm often asked is 'how have you done it.' Friends will always come to me for advice and ask 'what would you do, if James done this' or 'how would you react' etc. The only way I can answer these questions is to speak from personal experiences or imagine myself in their situation and be honest. There are some situations I'm asked and I can't even begin to imagine James doing those things. Then I have to straight up say no, that's not okay and you deserve much better - whether or not they listen is up to them, but I've done my part.

What's worked for James and I may not work for you and your lover, but because I get asked the same questions all the time I thought why not answer them in a blog post. If you don't want to read the back story of how James and I met and you just want some advice then scroll down to Long, Live, Love.

H O W     W E      M E T 

I like to explain it as 'we met through friends' because that makes it a lot easier and shorter. That's not a total lie because we did get together due to a mutual friend.

My best friend at the time (lets call her Tamara) was dating James' friend at the time (lets call him Tommy). Tamara and Tommy were trying to hook me up with one of Tommy's friends, so we could double date and hang out as a group, just what every 15 year old wants. Some of the friends they would suggest were dreadful and I was happy being single, so I would usually react with 'er no' or 'omg, wth'. I didn't need a boyfriend, so I was happy going with the flow of life, and if someone popped up then that was that. 

I'm aware the following details may make me sound like a crazy stalker, but I like to think of it more as a detective with a crush. One day a friend of ours posted a photo of James on BBM (a male friend, don't want people to think I'm trying t steal someones boyfriend). I saw it and thought oooh cute, I messaged our friend and said "Who's your friend", I sent the photo to Tamara who was with Tommy at the time and soon found out James and Tommy were good friends.

 I told Tamara to tell Tommy not to mention it to James and I would go about it my own way. Within a week I had shown all my friends in school and told them he was going to be my boyfriend (crazy, I know). One 'friend' responded saying "Give up Alika, he doesn't even know you exist he won't be your boyfriend." Well wasn't she wrong, I felt like this was added pressure, now I had to get James and prove her wrong. 

I soon found out his name, which area he lived and where he went to School. He went to school with my cousin and another guy I knew and they, perfect. I asked a few more questions to the guy I knew and my cousin, playing it cool of course, and when I knew everything I needed to know it was time for the hard part - how do I get him to know I exist? 

 I could've added him on BBM but that was too forward, I was not making the first move. Having mentioned him to my overprotective cousin, he had already spoken to James about me saying "Delete someone called Alika off BBM." That was the best thing my cousin could have done because James didn't have me in the first place! He had no idea who 'Alika' was. 

Two weeks after all my investigating, James being intrigued to find out who this 'Alika' girl was and why he shouldn't have her on BBM, he finally added me. Of course I am too fabulous not to fall in love with, so after hanging out throughout the whole spring/summer of 2012 - before we knew it, it was August 3rd and we were official.

L O N G    L I V E    L O V E 

I'm often asked if I thought we'd be together for this long and honestly, I don't think any 15-year-old plans to stay in a long term relationship so that was not our intentions. The only way I can explain why our relationship has lasted so long is that we just never broke up - Not a serious break up lasting more than a max of two weeks anyway. It probably helps that James treats me like a princess and feeds into my princess ideology. Not just treating me with gifts and dates but also being super caring and kind (I say all these things lightly, because he is currently pissing me off and we are in an argument haha, but that's relationships!) . So many guys now are show offs, cheats and all round pigs, abusing their girlfriends mentally, whether thats through manipulation, lack of support or saying negative things to put them down, it's disgusting. James isn't perfect, but he's not half as bad as a lot of guys out there. He probably wouldn't want me to disclose too much information, because he wouldn't want people thinking he's soft. 

Here are some kind things I enjoy that James does:

  • Compliment me when I have no make up on - this actually annoys me because I think why do you say such nice things when I'm not wearing make up, and then just smile when I've spent an hour putting my face on. I used to snap at him for this, but I've realised it's a lot better compliment because he prefers my natural face, cute! 
  • Occasional surprise flowers - This is usually when he knows I'm in a real mood with him, but it's the thought that counts.
  • Checking up on me - Because I hardly ever shut up and I'm always laughing, if I'm a bit quiet or not responding as I usually do he always checks to see if I'm okay. 
  • Going above and beyond for an occasion - Usually my birthday, I always had, and still do have great surprises and gifts from my parents when it's my birthday so I'm glad and appreciate that James notices and understands this and does the same.

Although there are a lot of great things James does, it's only normal there are also things to complain about. I'll complain he spends too much time with his friends rather than me, like what makes the boys so interesting? Is it the fact there's a different kind of banter? Is it because they're not as demanding? I just don't get it. I work every single Saturday so on the rare occasion I have a Saturday off, why not arrange something for us to do? Why not say hey babe, I've got a day planned and then list off the things to do, why do I have to plan everything? Why does he have to take 2 hours to respond to me when I've responded on the minute? What could possibly be consuming all of his time! When James isn't in his comfort zone i.e around his family or his friends he's very quiet and shy. I used to be shy but I realised it's even more awkward if you're the only one not speaking or engaging, and just sitting like an outsider listening in, it doesn't hurt to get involved and you have a lot better time if you do. So I just don't understand why it's basically been 6 years and James is still quiet and shy and hasn't found a comfort zone yet, this can be quite frustrating for me. You get the idea, I get caught up on all of the ordinary crazy-girlfriend stuff.

I think me acting like this can sometimes cause a lot of dramas because a good balance of time and space is needed in a relationship. In recent years I like to think I've got better but I think James will probably disagree.

                Y O U R    F R I E N D S       D O N ' T    N E E D   T O   K N O W       E V E R Y T H I N G

A lot of people see James and I, and think we have a great relationship. That we don't argue, I often hear "You're so lucky, James never does anything" but I can reassure you all, that is not true. 

Of course there are loads of great times, but the reason a lot of people have this perception of our relationship is because we don't get many people, if anyone involved. I personally feel its not necessary I tell my friends and certainly not my family, every moment James does something I don't like or don't agree with. The reason for this is because I will either get over it or James will fix it - Friends or Family won't, they're a lot more likely to remember the bad things. 

The more bad things you say, no matter how big or small they all add up. This then allows outsiders to feel they can have a constant say on your relationship, which is when it all gets awkward. I've seen it many of times, friends will bitch about every bad thing their boyfriend does because you know, that's what girls do. This then allows certain people, be it friends or acquaintances to think they have a right to stick their nose in, and offer advice that isn't always needed because you've blabbed to every Tom, Dick and Harry. If you spill the ins and outs of your relationship to everyone, not everyone has your best interests at heart, some are just after some gossip and this can sometimes make things harder for you. 

I believe opening up and sharing how you feel is very important. I just think you should be wary as to who you share information with, and what information you share. You're likely to always love and forgive your lover and can sometimes be blinded by love, but those friends, family members and acquaintances won't see your relationship through the same rose tinted glasses you do.

Bottom line for me is: My friends and family don't need to know every detail of my relationship, and any negative I find in James. Because like Rihanna and Chris Brown sang it ain't nobody's business but mine and my baby's.


Now, this is something James is a lot better at than I am. I find it very hard to compromise. I can sometimes take 'it's my way, or the high way' a little too seriously, but I like to think over the 5 years I've improved. 

If I want Indian but James wants Chinese a lot of the time he'll go with Indian because he knows it's what I want. Although this is a kind gesture I get annoyed because he's just giving in and it's not what he actually wants. I know what you're thinking, poor guy, he can't win. So to compromise I'll suggest another alternative "How about we go for Italian, or get a burger, what about somewhere that sells both?" Most of our compromise arguments are about either food or the temperature. James is always hot, I'm always cold we haven't quite worked out how to compromise on this one. He wants the fan on full blast and facing him which is also where I am, I want to snuggle under the covers and cuddle but as you can imagine this doesn't work. He doesn't want to be under the cover, I can't lay on him because it makes him hot, we haven't quite mastered that, but it's a work in progress. 

If we did in fact know how to compromise properly this would diffuse a lot of arguments, so I believe compromise is key.

I'm often told that I must be a nightmare to be in a relationship with but James can vouch for me that, that is not true. Maybe we're both a nightmare to be in a relationship with and that's why we work so well together, because we're both a pain and we know how to put up with one another. Our star signs Aquarius and Virgo are the least compatible and according to astrology we should not work in any way, shape or form. But here we are, defying the signs and making it work!

I would love to make relationship talks a regular on my blog. Maybe a relationship post every other week or once a month, so if you have any questions or anything you'd like me to discuss drop me an email at or comment down below. 


  1. Such a great post, was so cute to read about you and your Mr. Plus some really good tips!
    Rianne x

    1. Thank you Rianne, I'm glad you enjoyed it! xx

  2. Love to see two people so in love with each other and even through the downs still compromise and make it work. That is the main key as today's generation argue and think that's it relationships done but like I said this was a lovely read and really good advice :) x

    1. I agree, so many people give up without trying to make it work and fixing the problems. I'm glad you enjoyed it xxx

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